The TerenZone's Guide to Applying for a Gov't Job

After a lot of serious thought, I decided that a government job could be the right path for me in the years between now and my run for Congress. Upon returning to DC, I sat my butt down, went to USAJobs.gov, and ran a search for law jobs in DC. Imagine my surprise when I found a few things that seemed to be right up my alley. Yes, indeed, I thought. This might work out after all! I carefully read the announcement and found myself a bit confused. What is a KSA? How am I supposed to present all the random info they request (info that certainly isn't on my standard resume)? And, do they REALLY want me to send in a letter of recommendation just because I'm an "external" (i.e., not currently working for the government) candidate? This is silly, I thought.

No, it's not. It's mindcrushingly stupid. It should be news to no one that our federal government can be inefficient. It certainly wasn't news to me. What shocks me is that federal jobs have such an inexplicably complex application process. With all the less than stellar intellects in government, one would think that landing a federal job would be akin to fogging a mirror. Alas, no. Here's what I learned while attempting my first application for a government job:

First, my resume is no good. They didn't seem to care that I've spent hours over the years trimming away my high school and college accomplishments so that I can fit the entirety of my professional experience on one page (in 7-pt font with .02 mm margins). They certainly didn't care that I tried to be a little fun and frisky with my header and creative with my formatting. No, the federal government doesn't like concise. And they certainly don't like fun, frisky, or creative. Confused by the term "federal resume," I turned to Google for support and guidance. Apparently, a federal resume is nothing more than a stylistically unattractive laundry list of your jobs, including your salary and supervisors. Following the guidelines I found online, I turned my gorgeous resume into the aesthetically displeasing shit the government wants from me.

Next, the government REALLY likes its own. Not only are federal employees given priority for many government positions -- and the announcement unabashedly says so -- they get to simply send in a silly performance eval form whenever they apply for another job. They do not need to track down their overworked boss at the legal clinic where they used to work and beg him to take a minute from his job saving the homes of DC's poorest residents to throw together a recommendation letter for a job with an impending deadline. No, they certainly don't. (Vytas, my aforementioned former boss, is my hero.)

Finally, and worst of all, is the devil-spawned KSA system. KSA stands for "Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities." For each federal job posting, there is a list of somewhere in the region of 4-6 KSAs. These are -- you guessed it -- knowledge, skills, or abilities that are required for that position. For each of these, the candidate is expected to write out between half a page and a full page response, detailing very specifically where they acquired said knowledge or where they developed said skills and abilities. These KSAs, by all accounts, are the primary evaluation tool in determining whether you will be selected to interview for the job. The best part? They're evaluated using a rubric that essentially counts how many time you use the buzz words in the KSA. Neat, huh? Whatever you do, DO NOT bust out your thesaurus. For your edification, here are the KSAs from my job posting:

"1. Knowledge of generally accepted legal and legal writing techniques including proper format and structure of various legal documents and ability to conduct legal analysis in a thorough and complete manner.
2. Ability to produce written works in a clear, concise, persuasive and technically correct manner.
3. Ability to communicate orally in a clear, consise [sic], persuasive and technically correct manner.
4. Knowledge of constitutional law and civil rights law.
5. Ability to perform legal tasks within stringent timeframes to meet program objectives."

For each of those, I had to produce a nearly page-long response teasing out how I've done it in the last few years, primarily using the words "clear, concise, persuasive, and technically correct." The sheer stupidity of the exercise nearly made my head implode. It also made me wonder what the KSAs for some other government jobs might look like until I remembered that presidentially-appointed government officials don't have to apply for their jobs. Besides, the KSA "Ability to fuck shit up royally" is probably implied.

Now I've got a "federal" resume, 5 KSAs, and -- if poor Vytas pulls an all-nighter tonight -- a letter of recommendation. All I need to do now is throw together a cover letter (which I'm more certain than ever that they will not read) and I can send in my first government job application! It will only have taken about 2 days worth of effort (not counting the half-day I'll spend tomorrow tracking down Vytas and then mailing the application). Neat. At this rate, I'll get a job around the new year.