1-800-BUL-SHIT

When I got back from my trip, my answering machine (yes, I have one of those on my land line) was full. I knew before I listened that it would be mostly hangups. What I wasn't expecting was a series of recordings that went something like this (pardon my paraphrasing):

"Hey guys! This is Jim from Bladdy-blah Satellite Systems. I've got GREAT news for you guys, you've been selected for a free home satellite system. If you could call me back, that'd be great. My number is 800-BUL-SHIT. I'll be here all day. Talk to you later!"

Another variation I recall off the top of my head is nearly the same except that instead of Jim, it was Sally (or something similar) and instead satellite TV, I've won a trip to Mexico or Florida or some other place that I don't really feel like visiting. As I listened to at least 8 of these, I couldn't help wondering if people really call these things. Do they think that their buddy "Jim" is calling because of the overly friendly tone the dude takes? Or are they so psyched to win something that they decide to check on that Florida vacation? I mean, if I had a nickel for every one of my usually bright friends who have forwarded those "For every e-mail you send, The Red Cross/Bill Gates/God will give Leukemia Libby/Cancer Cathy/Elephantitis Eli $20!" messages, I wouldn't have any problems making rent next month. People want to believe.

Fine. I'll allow that it's possible that some poor sap calls back after receiving one of these messages on their machine. But today I received another phone call, which didn't go to the machine. I answered. You'd think that there must be some system where, if a human being answers, another human being talks to them. Oh no. I got the recording.

Does someone out there really think that I'm going to stand there, on the phone, listening to a message that was clearly made to sound relatively authentic on a machine -- it's particularly glaring since "Jim" told me, "Sorry I missed you!" uhm . . . you didn't . . . I picked up the phone -- and, not only not hang up, but actually call the number?!?!?

Sorry. I'm just blown away by the stupidity of this marketing scheme. It's insulting.

Ok. Here's what I'm going to do. The next time I get one of those messages (or direct calls) I'm calling back. I'm going to pretend to be interested in my free prize and then ask to speak with a supervisor or manager. Then I'm going to ask that manager to put me in touch with whoever makes the marketing decisions. Even if I can't get past the first person, I'm going to ask the highest-ranked employee I get on the phone to tell me how well this scheme is actually doing. I better not be shocked by a surprisingly high return rate.

I'm so going to be shocked by a surprisingly high return rate, aren't I?

Stay tuned. (Oh, and click here to receive your free prize!)